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LPC 15 Medley
(Ring) Hello? Hello, it's Bernie. I live next door. (SFX) And I left my shovel up 'ere (SFX) on your property. I don't have anything on my property. I left my shovel up there. Ohhhhh. And I need to get it back sometime todayyyyy. Well, I'm not stopping you from picking it up. What are you doing up there, rubbin' your buttock? No, that's what you do. Rub your buttocks. What if I call the police? YOU KEEP CALLING ME AND I WILL CALL THE COPS... Heyyyyy. ...ON YOU!!!!! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, OKAY?!? (SFX) Ohhhhhh Noooooo. YOU KEEP CALLING ME, I'LL CALL THE COPS ON YOU! (SFX) Listen to me, Joe. Why don't you help me with my shovel, just pick it up in your yard, okay? I DON'T HAVE YOUR FUCKING SHOVEL! Just h'elp me with my shovel...' I DON'T HAVE YOUR FUCKING SHOVEL!!! Why don't you go kiss your ass? And you can get that shovel out of that. I buried all my gold in the ground. You call me one more time, I'm calling the city of police, to get you arrested! And put you in JAIL! You better not be going after my gold. Here goes...calling the city of police department. (LPC SFX) (Hang up sound) - Wind Turbine Companies(?). Uh, Debbie, please. This is her. Hi, this is Dudley. Uh, I'm your neighbor. Uh, how are you doin' today? Good. (SFX) What's goin' on up 'ere whaddaya tell me- Excellent. Um, well I need to just give you power of attorney, if that'd be alright with you. For what? We're gonna do fracking, and so anybody who, y'know, comes by and has questions, we'll just give you all the authority today. This is for what? We'll be fracking. What's that? Uh, fracturing the Earth's surface to get oil and minerals and so on. (SFX) unintelligible What's this about? Just power of attorney, real simple. It takes like a minute of your time. For what? So that you can speak on my behalf! I don't know what this is about, where you're calling from. Well, I'm your neighbor. I don't know anybody else in the area, I just live alone. What neighbor? Where? Well, ya know. I'm new to the area-''' No, I don't know. '''I'm new to the area up 'ere. What area? (SFX) Ya know what, call me back again, I'm gonna call the fuckin' police, okay? Well, I just need a minute of your time, is all. No, you don't have a fuckin' minute of my time. Go fuck off. (Hang up) - (Ring) Wind Turbine Companies. Listen, I'm sorry to bother you, I just need a minute of your time, here. I can stop by in 15 minutes, how would that be? You're gonna stop by where in 15 minutes? Just to get you to sign this paperwork. What address? What address are you coming to? Well, I can meet ya at Starbucks, buy ya a cup of coffee. You know what? I don't know who you are, what kinda bullshit you're trying to get me into, but you can go find somebody else- I'm Dudley. I don't know a fuckin' Dudley. That's me, and I'm your new neighbor, okay? Yeah, what new neighbor, where? Power of attorney. It's a real simple process, you're gonna love it! No, I don't- I'm not interested, okay? We're givin' ya all the authority to speak-''' (Hang up) - (Ring) Wind Turbine Companies. '''Hi, uh, Debbie? Yeah? Hi, this is Dudley. I did wanna let you know we're just droppin' off that paperwork here in the next 10 to 15 minutes, if that's acceptable. Where? Where? Just to your office, there. No, I'm leaving. Well, we need to get you this power of attorney, uh, miss. You know what you can do? Call me one more fuckin' time and you're gonna be arrested, buddy. Don't play my fuckin' games! You're playin' a game? No, you are! Well, just sign the paperwork and we'll get her done-''' I'm not signin' no fuckin' paperwork! Go fuck yourself and your mother too! (Hang up) - (Radio Bumper music plays) I'm Tom Martino. Let me get to the phones here. Ah, we really got to, okay. So what's going on with Buddy? Go ahead Buddy, what's happening? '''(Echo on LPC voice) Yeah, I'm an old corn cob pipe smoker. And my neighbor's sayin' you better extinguish that corn cob pipe up 'ere. You, you're kidding around, Buddy. This is not a real call, is it? You sou... Hey. Buddy? I said 'If you come into my puffin' parlor, I'm gonna come out whoopin'!' (Echo) Okay, so, so I don't mind, I don't mind the levity today, there Buddy. So what are you calling about? Ah, I said 'You better get out of my puffin' parlor', he said 'I'm gonna get you a Section 9', now what does he mean by a Section 9? (Echo 'Nineeahhhh'). (Tom Martino laughs) Buddy, I like your delivery. So listen, tell me about yourself. Are you a voiceover artist, or what do you do? I'm 75 years old. Buddy, are you for real? Are you on his side or... NO, I...Okay. A Section 9? (Other radio host) That's when you're nuts, right? (Tom M) I think. (LPC) Now, what does he mean by a section 9? (Tom M, impersonating LPC) I think he means that you are craaaazzzy. (LPC) I got a helicopter. I'm getting out of here if he's coming after me with a Section 9. (Helicopter sounds) (Tom M, still impersonating LPC) I think, I think he's sayin' you are nutsssss. Hey, I'm a pipe smoker. (Other Radio Host) There's a lot of different Section nines, but I think he's referring to the one that, basically, you're insane. (Tom M) Yeah, he, I, I think that's where they institutionalize you, Buddy. (LPC plays helicopter sounds) So Buddy? (Other host) He might be callin' from there. (Tom M.) Buddy? How long you been smokin'? (LPC) For 45 years. (Tom M) 45 years? Really? And how old are you? (LPC) I'm 75 years old, buster. (Tom M) Okay, and, uh, wh, what is your birthday? The year! Give it to me quickly, sir. (LPC) I was born in 1943. (TOM M) Let's see, did he do the math right? 1943? He did? You creep. You did it quickly. Okay, listen, Buddy, he's insane in my opinion. I mean, this guy is truly, truly an idiot. I mean don't you think, Joe? (Joe) Absolutely, Tom, absolutely. - (Ring) Robert Bert, may I help you? Hi. I’m Cedric McCluskie, I’m calling here from Masquerade Masks, here in Shreveport, ah, we got a silent auction coming up, and I wanted to touch base with you, see if could get together on this silent auction, here? I’m not following, now, repeat what you said. We’ve got Louisville Sluggers, we’ve got decorated pails and buckets from inner-city kids. A lot of really neat stuff happening here. (SFX) Ohhhhh, oh, oh, ohhhh. And I wanted to get with you, on what you can donate. The lady in the Drone Department said that you could get us some items for our silent auction. But I’m, I’m not, you know, I’m just a administrator here at Louisiana Tech, and I have no items to contribute. You know, I’ve got my personal stuff, but probably there’s been some confusion. I’m, I’m sorry, I can’t help you. Ah, but... Well, what have you got in the way of some personal goods and items, that you can… Sorry, I’m not interested, though, but thank you so much for your call. Well… Bye. ...How ‘bout on a cash level? (Hang up sound) - (Ring) Ah, hello? Robert. Hi, Cedric, how you doing, sir? Oh, yeah, Cedric. I’m sorry, I’m just not interested or I’m not able to donate anything. I appreciate you asking… We need a cash donation, then from you, ahh, I can pick that up this evening, if that’s be alright with you. No, thank you, I appreciate it. My… Well what’s a good time? My cash donations go to the church, and to the United Way and also to The Isr...fund for Isr...for the State of Israel. Okay, I’ll be dropping by in about an hour, and I can pick up just a check, or maybe some staplers, anything you have around the office. I’ll take a reel of tape… (Laughs) And you’ll meet with the police too. What do you mean there? I don’t know what you’re talking about. This, this sounds...Wait a minute, let me re...would you hold on for just a minute, and I, would you record, I, I’m recording this. Hold on please. I’m gonna come up there, and I’m gonna get with ya. I’m gonna sit down in your office. Who is this? I’m Cedric McCluskie, there guy. Masquerade Masks. And if I come up ‘ere, I’m gonna demand cash or check, at this point. You know, maybe I’ll bring a police officer myself. Who is this? Who is, wha, who is this? I’m Cedric. You’re joking now. Who is this? I told you that before. That goes both ways, fella, I can get a sheriff down there in a matter of minutes. Now cut us a darn check, and quit wasting our time. I don’t have any, I don’t have any, I do not have any desire whatsoever - (LPC “OHHHHH”) - My contributions goes to the church, and my contributions goes to Israel. Well you better cut it out. ‘Cause we need to you divert those funds. I’m fixin’ to divert...listen, I, I’m fixin’ to divert some funds, and it’s gonna be on your head. Do not call this number again. (Hang up sound) - (Ring) Academy Records and CDs. Yeah, I was lookin' for that Country and Western single. Big hit right now. A big hit right now? What's it called? I don't know. (Laughs) 'Where'd Ya Get Yer Donkey' (Echoing continues "Donkey, donkey...) (Sighs) Donkey? It's like: Where'd ya get yer donkey. Are you sure it's country? (Donkey continues to echo) Uh, we don't only sel, uh, specialize in Spanish music here. Well, it's a Spanish guy. He's from Spain, so... I'm sorry, I don't have anything from Spain. I just carry just like Tex-Mex... Well you keep changing your story, 'Oh, I have this, I don't have this.' Well you know what? Who, who's the guy's name, and why, why are you singing this donkey song? I think Brent Pickle, is his name. Brad Pickle? Where Did You Get Your Donkey? What? (Donkey echoing) And you got that thing going on repeat and I can't do anything with all the noise going on. (Donkey echoing) (laughs) Oh my God. (New voice) Don't sing me a song, and ask me to go out and find it for ya. (New Voice) I'm hearing like multiple people talking. It's interfering with what you're telling me. So, like, you gotta fix that before you call back here, okay? You need to turn down your stereo. Ah, my stereo is turned down, bro. You, you need to sit tight. And you need to listen to what I have to say, before you go picking up the phone. You got me figured out? Because, ahhhh, I'm ready to make a purchase here. I understand you want to make a purchase of something that we don't have in stock, or we don't have a listing for. Well, I think you probably misspelled it, is what happened. (Donkey echos) How, how do you know I misspelled it, bro? How do you even know I misspelled it? Based on...This is all over the radio cat, if you look correctly you'll find it I don't care if it's all over the radio. (Donkey echos) (new voice softly in background, presumably to co-worker) It's Longmont Potion Castle. (New voice, presumably co-worker) No way. (End of track)